Next to that menacing face was a hopelessly hokey billboard that read: Find yourself!
What does that even mean? I mean, the finding part is a trip in itself. I'm mainly talking about the you part of it all. What are "you"? Under the realities of your skin and bones, and beneath the mechanics of your brain and heart... what's there?
I've heard a lot of different takes on peoples'... 'selves'. A personal favorite was that of an acclaimed actress during a Charlie Rose interview. She said something to the effect of "Finding out who I was was the great thing about college... You learn 'who I want to kiss', 'who I don't want to kiss'... The really important stuff." Yeah, that's what I want on my tombstone! I can see it now:
if you were good.
Another way someone I knew perceived "self" was by ambitions. Another college student and I had been talking about school and our careers, and all our little plans that were supposed to get us through. After talking so much about the future, we couldn't help but feel evermore vulnerable and small. We could make our maps and blueprints, but all the ink and paper and dreaming in the world wouldn't ever change what was simply meant to be. I knew that in my heart. I had no say. I make my plans, but I don't direct these steps. So in the conversation's conclusion I said, "Well, I guess all we can do is just simply know who we want to be and just be it." We can't say with certainty that we'll get to our intended destinations, so I figured we should try to mold what we can: our character. How we make choices, how we respond to conflict, those things that we can somewhat start understanding and changing now. I don't know if my house will have a white-picket fence or barbed wire- but I'd at least like to start planning for the good mother and wife that will live there. I knew one of us got lost in translation when the other person replied confused: "What? What do you mean? I just told you who I want to be. I'm going to graduate with this degree, from this school ,then go live here and here and here..." Who was he? According to him, he was his dreams and his goals. Was he right? And if he's wrong, am I even right? Am I any more defined by a desired character than a desired career?
What am I looking for when I'm "finding myself"? I'm not quite sure, I haven't done that much digging. But I haven't had to try to get a couple of horrifying glimpses of what I am.
I am a whole set of bad decisions ticking. I am a thousand dying good intentions. I am a long list of lies that I tell myself to make me feel like I've submitted my life to God, when really I'm holding onto my fears for dear life. I'm an utter mess.
I know these are definitely parts of who I am. It just makes sense, from an empirical standpoint. They're constant and testable. They're also observable by other people. Seriously.
Understanding, what exactly "I" am, I've realized that I'd rather not keep searching. I have a good feeling that all I'll find is more brokenness. Although the definitions revolving around "self" may shift and change, of this I'm sure: I'm wrong, in every way.
Finding myself would be a waste of time. So thank God for giving me a commission when I needed one, a purpose when I couldn't make one for myself. "And he said to them all, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it" reads Luke 9:23-24. May I walk in continual self-denial, refusing who I am, and rejecting the discovery of what I am. Let this be, lest I miss out.
So, go discover Him. Forget "finding yourself". He's got adventures in store for you and romances He's been waiting to begin with you. He has the most exact and most real perception of what and who you are, and He's still in love with you. Don't turn down a chance like that. That's radical. That's riveting. Don't act like realizing your own intimacy preferences could ever be more so.
No comments:
Post a Comment